Top five Malcolm Tucker quotes

Written by Total Politics has a free weekly Friday email bulletin. Follow this link to register. on 18 June 2010 in Diary
In the July issue of Total Politics, out today, Iain Dale interviews Alastair Campbell.

In the July issue of Total Politics, out today, Iain Dale interviews Alastair Campbell. In this conversation Campbell defends his somewhat aggressive outbursts, arguing that: "People say they want candour and passion in politics and I was very candid."

Campbell, as a political figure, is also said to be a rough inspiration for the monstrously brilliant, government Head of Communications, Malcolm Tucker from The Thick of It. In his Guardian column Campbell downplays any similarities and says that he struggled to "stay awake" during the In The Loop film.

In honour of Campbell, and ignoring his opinions on Tucker, I have here compiled what I believe to be Tucker’s best quotes.

On holding his own opinions:

Malcolm Tucker

Jamie: Have you seen the Whip's numbers?

Malcolm Tucker: NOMFuP.

Jamie: Eh?

Malcolm Tucker: NOMFuP. N-O-M-F-P. Not My Fucking Problem. I quite like that. Did you like that? I'll use that quite a lot today.

On what the public need:

Malcolm Tucker: Tomorrow - from broadsheets to wank rags - I want pages one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know - Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in a NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of British politics with ME at the center, looking fucking indispensable and fucking benign, and I want page six to be fucking Israel or some bullshit, not a fucking DoSAC deepshit legacy-distracting COCKUP!

On being a good spin doctor:

Malcolm Tucker: I can only cook with what I’ve been given, you know, it’s like ‘Ready, Steady, Cook’, you give me Hugh Abbot I’ll give you bangers and mash... But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well, then I can raise it to a fucking risotto and scallops.”

On protecting the government:

Malcolm Tucker: It's make-your-mind-up time, Ollie! I mean, what do you want to be? Do you want to be a prick that works here for a year, then goes away and joins a think-tank to write "oh, on one hand this and on the other hand that", or do you want to be a soldier?

Jamie: Have you got your eyes on the prize?

Oliver Reeder: I've got my eyes on the prize.

Malcolm Tucker: Good.

Oliver Reeder: What is the prize?

Malcolm Tucker: I don't know, you need to ask the brain guys... I'll settle for just keeping us in government instead of the wankers you're shagging!

On British war:

Malcolm Tucker: You, hey, put the snifter out there that if the BBC ambushes a minister with another surprise question about the war, I'll drop a bomb on them.

Judy: I can't do that, can I? That's political.

Malcolm Tucker: Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette? Why don't you just scuttle off back to fucking Cranford and play around with your tea and your cakes and your fucking horse cocks. Let them eat cock!

[to Toby]

Malcolm Tucker: Hey, you! Ron Weasley, you do it.

Image: Getty Images

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