If I were PM...Mark Watson
Cabinet meetings in a 20-seater Jacuzzi and a £500 fi ne for annoying ringtones
What campaign stunt would you pull in an election?
Harold Wilson used to smoke a pipe, even though he preferred cigars, to show he was a man of the people. Likewise, although I'm a red wine drinker, I'd emphasise my common touch by never being seen on the campaign trail without a can of lager in my hand.
Would you take part in a TV debate?Absolutely, and I don't know why people get hot under the collar about the idea that this kind of thing makes politics too soundbitey. Party politics has been about soundbites at least since the advent of TV. If it means that more eloquent people do better, tough luck - that's how the world works in general. And as a professional speaker, it also gives me every chance of becoming PM.
What would your winning political slogan be?WATSON - HOW BAD CAN IT POSSIBLY BE? Best to go for something low-key, I think.
Who would write your speeches?I'd write them myself. I'd regard it as a copout to have someone else write my comedy routines, and I don't see why I should change my principles just because I'm going to be the leader of the country.
Who would be in your cabinet?Sky Sports' Jeff Stelling as chancellor, for his quick mind and statistical acumen. Derren Brown as home secretary, for his ability to influence behaviour on a massive scale. Germaine Greer as culture minister. I might poach Obama for foreign secretary - he's a promising politician. And I'd have Armando Iannucci as chief whip, with Peter Capaldi as spin-doctor, reprising his The Thick Of It role.
Where would you hold cabinet meetings?A 20-seater Jacuzzi. An excellent place to think.
What would you ban?Any music played on mobile phones without headphones. And any needlessly loud or repetitive ringtones. In short, any annoying behaviour with phones. Some of my other policies are fairly left-wing, but this one should get Middle England onside.
Who is your ideal first lady in No 10?My wife, naturally.
How would you respond to being booed in public?My instincts as a stand-up would force me to take on the heckler. If there were hundreds of people booing, I suppose this could be quite time-consuming, but at least it might put people off doing it in the future.
What would you have as a new national anthem?Jerusalem. Out with the fawning address to our monarchy, in with some blood-and-thunder sentiments about burning gold and arrows and the like. That's what you want from an anthem.
How would you greet the Queen?"Hello, old girl." Something like that. She must secretly pine for an end to all this formality.
What would you miss most while in No 10?Being able to behave the way I liked. It must be very draining never being able to say "oh, fuck off" in public, or make an idiot of yourself on the beach, or just pop into a bookshop, without feeling you were damaging your career.
How would you see off a younger, better looking political rival?An enormous smear campaign is the usual tactic, I think. I'm pretty active on Twitter so I'd probably start there. By the end of the day he'd be ruined. Even if he was chiefly only ruined among people who use social networking sites.
What would you call your memoirs of being PM?The Watson Years: Britain saved.
Comedian Mark Watson's UK tour is later this year. Full details at www.markwatsonthecomedian.com