Internet Wars: The Assange Saga

Written by Total Politics has a free weekly Friday email bulletin. Follow this link to register. on 26 August 2012 in Diary

A long time ago in a country far, far away ...

It is a period of unrest on the internet. WIKILEAKS, striking from a hidden Rebel Base in JULIAN ASSANGE’S bedroom, have won their first victory against the evil AMERICAN EMPIRE. During the battle, Bradley Manning managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapons, top secret cables that reveal that diplomats practice diplomacy and the Royal Family are liable to behave like arses. Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, JULIAN ASSANGE races towards the Ecuadorian embassy, custodian of the secret plans that can save his people and restore freedom to the world ...

On board the Rebel ship, JULIAN ASSANGE records a plea for help to ancient freedom fighter OBENN WAN TONY, and jettisons it in an escape pod in the care of C3-WEEPIO, (formerly known as feminist Naomi Wolf) towards a leafier suburb of west London.

[Musical interlude: boom boom boom, buh bah boom, bah bah boom]

Enter DARTH SWEDEN, stooge of the evil AMERICAN EMPIRE.

ASSANGE: “Darth Sweden, only you could be so bold. My supporters on the internet will not stand for this. When they find out you’re stifling free speech -”

DARTH SWEDEN: “Don’t play the innocent with me, Your Highness. You weren’t on any freedom mission this time. Two women have made serious allegations against you.”

ASSANGE: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I am a paragon of virtue and free speech!”

DARTH SWEDEN: “You are subject to the rule of law like anyone else, and need to answer some questions. Take him away!”

Discovered by flopping haired dreamer, GEORGE GALLOWAY, he and C3-WEEPIO track down OBENN WAN, who plays the message.

“Help me OBENN WAN TONY, you’re my only hope.”

Together they enlist the help of mercenaries on the run from the Evil AMERICAN EMPIRE: HAN OLIVER STONO and massive, hairy CHEWMICKMOORE. Together they bust out JULIAN ASSANGE but, as they are about to leave, they see DARTH SWEDEN approach OBENN WAN TONY.

DARTH SWEDEN: “Your powers are weak, old man.”

OBENN WAN TONY: “You can’t win, Darth, if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”


GALLOWAY: “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

OBENN WAN’S VOICE: “Run, George!”

ASSANGE, GALLOWAY, C3-WEEPIO, HAN STONO, and CHEWMICKMOORE escape, and make towards the secret Rebel base at the ECUADOR EMBASSY.

HAN STONO: “We’re not out the woods yet!”

Their escape craft is set upon by FEMINAZI and ZIONIST fighter planes, controlled by DARTH SWEDEN on behalf of the evil AMERICAN EMPIRE.

In response, HAN STONO, C3-WEEPIO, and GEORGE GALLOWAY go on the attack.


OBENN WAN’S VOICE: “First of all, the charge is that it was a non-consensual relationship. Well that’s very different from rape which most people would understand to be the seizure by force of a woman for the gratification of a man’s need, and all that’s said of Julian Assange is that without using a condom he was guilty of rape. If that is the charge then I tell you a lot of people in this country would be guilty of rape on a daily basis”


GALLOWAY: “Not everyone needs to be asked prior to every insertion.”


CHEWMICKMOORE: “For those of you who think it's wrong to support Julian Assange because of the sexual assault allegations he's being held for, all I ask is that you not be naive about how the government works when it decides to go after its prey. Please – never, ever believe the "official story".”


C3-WEEPIO: “Both alleged victims are also upset that he began dating a second woman while still being in a relationship with the first. (Of course, as a feminist, I am also pleased that the alleged victims are using feminist-inspired rhetoric and law to assuage what appears to be personal injured feelings. That's what our brave suffragette foremothers intended!).”


The FEMINAZIS and ZIONISTS are completely overwhelmed and unable to protect  DARTH SWEDEN’s fighter plane which is struck, and is blasted into the outer reaches of space, allowing our heroes to reach the ECUADORIAN EMBASSY safely.


... or is it ... ?

Share this page


Please login to post a comment or register for a free account.