If I were PM... Martin Brundle
Oh yes, that would be the best part. If I can get grumpy, nervous Formula One drivers to talk on the grid, then handling a couple of prima donna political leaders doomed to failure should be easy. I'd ensure that the brilliantly creative producers at BBC F1 made the show.
What would your winning political slogan be?
‘Let's sort this mess out: Brundle will save a bundle.' Despite knowledge, experience, technology and hard work by many, somehow our health, education, welfare, pension and public transport systems seem to be ever closer to meltdown. We must be wasting horrendous amounts of cash.
What would you travel around the country in?
It would be a black Jaguar XJ - diesel, of course, for economy. Michael Schumacher would be my driver: he's fast, good at running assailants off the road, and I'm already used to being behind him from when we raced together. Once I'd headhunted the team that runs Japanese trains and they'd sorted out our system, I'd take the train. That's except for the days I'd fly an Augusta 109 helicopter, funded by a special tax on wheel clampers and traffic cones.
Who would write your speeches?
Roald Dahl would have been ideal but JK Rowling will equally suffice, because I will have promised less fantasy. I'd probably have John Grisham and AA Gill edit them to add a legally sound earthiness.
How would you redecorate No 10?
I'd sell Downing Street - who the hell wants to live in a noisy cul-de-sac? I'd move the whole gig to Chequers and use video conferencing, Facebook and Twitter to get things done transparently. Besides, I want the ministers out in the field plugging the cash leaks, not squabbling in Parliament.
Who would be your Andy Coulson?
It would have to be Jeremy Clarkson. He would abuse all and sundry including the media (although Clarkson would have to back off on my native Norfolk clan), and I would then appear as the knight in shining armour, looking like a comparatively nice guy. When we were bored, by around 9.30am, we could just talk cars.
Who would be your George Osborne?
I'd be looking for someone who can motivate, empower, and bring out the best in the public, making them happy while at the same time hoovering up all the money. Simon Cowell.
Who would you form a coalition with?
Nobody: I'm a single-seater driver. Partnerships are the worst ship to sail in.
How would you respond to being booed in public?
I would engage the temporarily dissatisfied voter in a most proactive and polite manner to address their concerns and to explain the error of their point of view. If they booed again I'd either have them eliminated, or call my mum.
What would keep you awake at night?
Pretty much everything, especially concerning child welfare and the armed forces. Margaret Thatcher only needed four hours' sleep, and I'd be happy with that.
Who would succeed you as PM?
One of my children, so they could keep the skeletons buried for me.
What would you call your memoirs of being PM?
How I Miraculously Saved An Eccentric But Loveable Little Island While Creating World Peace. It doesn't really matter why - it's all about managing the message and getting on the public speaking circuits along with some consultancy work.