Anecdote corner: Mark Oaten

 

Julian Hall

 

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“This story is a great example of how, in the course of carrying out your duties, you end up with peculiar people in your offices.  Some four years into office, a constituent in his mid to late fifties arrived at my Winchester surgery. He said: “Mr Oaten, I’d like you to look at my left testicle”.  I explained that it wasn’t that kind of surgery, but he insisted.  “Look, you need to see your doctor about it” I told him, “we’re just not equipped to deal with complaints like this.”  When he insisted again, I told him that it wasn’t going to happen and asked him to explain  what was concerning him. 

 

He told me that MI5 had planted a probe inside his left testicle to trace his every move and that it was essential I tell the Home Secretary.  Of course, it was also very important that I saw this particular probe. I said to him that rather than dropping his trousers he could drop me a note and I would deal with it as I would a normal correspondence. 

 

It’s the only way to deal with the weird ones-to take them seriously. 

 

It was reminiscent of the time when another constituent wanted me to meet with aliens. “That’s fine, let’s make an appointment now,” I said. I called my diary secretary to say that Mr X would be confirming the meeting with her and he went away happy as could be.  Of course like the testicle man, he never came back.

 

Funnily enough the testicle story did have a reprise. Occasionally I train civil servants about life as an MP. On one session they asked what the kinds of problems came up. I told them the probe story which got it usual laugh but then there was this delayed second laugh.

 

My talk was being signed for a deaf person in the audience and the signage for ‘testicles’, which is using two hands and doing a juggling up and down motion, caused the second ripple of laughter. I was made to tell the story once more just so that everyone could see the signer do it again.”

 

Mark Oaten has been the MP for Winchester since 1997
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