Following the surprise defeat of Lucifer in the Angelic War, there have been some substantial changes on both sides of the void profound.
Against the throne and monarchy of God, Lucifer had raised an impious war in Heaven that saw him cast down to Pandemonium, where he is currently rumoured to be regrouping after what commentators are already calling a devastating defeat.
“The opinion polls gave no indication that the result would be so emphatic, although in my view, Heaven could have handled the rebellion better,” said Professor Cowley of Nottingham University and expert on foul revolt. “The whips’ office knew that Lucifer was unhappy with the favouritism shown to Adam, and it is always dangerous to over-promote the new intake too quickly as it irritates more established colleagues. This could have been nipped in the bud, but the archangel Michael is a bit smite-happy, and now the thought of lost happiness and lasting pain torments the fallen Lucifer.”
Perhaps sensitive to this criticism, Heaven has permitted the return of the Seraph Abdiel to the front bench. Abdiel was rumoured to be sympathetic to Lucifer’s cause, but in the end argued against the war.
“The demonstration of mercy and redemption in Abdiel’s case is a shrewd move. Among the faithless, faithful only he, and rewarding this loyalty sends a strong message to the other angels,” said CelestialHome political analyst, Paul Waugh.
When asked for comment, Lucifer, who now styles himself as Satan, remained upbeat. “Nonsense. I'm tremendously proud to have been handed the Hell portfolio by the Lord, and I am looking at this as a valuable opportunity to undertake a much-needed listening exercise.”
“I will spend the next weeks and months travelling around the universe really trying to understand what we need to do to reconnect with the voters. All is not lost, we have the unconquerable will, and courage to neither submit nor yield.”
Total Politics has learned that Satan is already in negotiation with his daughter, Sin, and her son, Death, to build a bridge between Hell and Earth in order to facilitate what deputy demonic leader Beelzebub is calling “The Big Conversation.”
“One thing is clear: we cannot expect to win on our base alone. For that reason, we intend to reach out to the inhabitants of the Garden of Eden in order to find out what really matters to modern humans living in the universe today,” said Beelzebub.
Hell remains confident that success lies in reaching out to women voters and Eve, wife to Adam, is already causing concern in the Heavenly Coalition.
“I think the Boss has dropped a major clanger with that one,” said an angelic source who has asked to remain anonymous. “Adam spends his entire time chatting with the seraphim and although Eve’s a bright girl, he takes the view that she should just get his tea on the table at five sharp and be prepared to lie back and think of Eden whenever he demands it. Believe me, it’s going to end in tears.”
The plan to appeal to the new Eden demographic has its critics, most notably from the Hades Campaign Group. “Tis better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven,” is the way one of their members put it.
Satan, however, remains resolute. “Now is the time to think outside the narrowness that has defined inter-galactic relations for too long. Afterall, the mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heav’n of hell, a hell of heav’n.”
Only time will tell but one thing is for sure, a week is a long time in the theological afterlife.
With apologies to John Milton, and thanks to @johnthelutheran, who inspired the idea, as well as @WriterPaulB, @Nickhulme6, @tonyclements1 and @68ron for assistance with the Paradise Lost quotes.