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Wilhelm's guide to Morocco
Like any other true Ulsterman, I went on holiday during the 12th fortnight. And as you may have guessed already, I went to Morocco this year - I know that's a strange thing for any free man to do, but there you go. In this post I hope to give you an idea of the country and how I spent my time there, so read on.
The country
The French influence may also be detected in the demeanor of the locals which, although friendly, can perhaps most generously be described as "sleepy".
That said, it is a pleasant holiday destination if you don't mind French innovations such as unsanitary beaches, minor officials wearing epaulettes and yards of braid, a haphazard approach to the rules of the road and food of uncertain providence.
The economy
The Arab 12th Fortnight
I started with the simple aspect of kerb painting. Simple you would have thought, but I was cruelly sabotaged by the fact that it is against Sharia law for any kerb stone to be painted blue - apparently blue kerb stones are attractive to pigs and as we all know, the porcine is unclean under Islam, so the locals weren't having it.
Arse.
Ulster fashion
My efforts in this regard were much more successful, I have to say.
Another triumph, I feel.
But despite these small examples of progress, the Moroccan people had no interest in marching, no desire to burn Lundy on top of a bonfire and absolutely no wish to march down the Garvaghy Road. So it ended in failure. Still, there was enough interest in Ulster to intice them into making a couple of minor changes....
Stormont Debates Sexism
Transcript from "The Official Report of the northern Ireland Assembly" (Hansard):
Speaker: Right you lot, Order order! Gerry Kelly, put thon flick knife away! Poots, leave Jim Allister alone, you know he doesn't like chinese burns!
(laughter, chants of "Jim´s a big, fat wanker")
Speaker: Order, order, order, order, order, order, order!!!!
(MLAs stomp feet, clap and sing "Jim´s a big, fat wanker" to the tune of Queen´s "We Will Rock You")
Speaker: Right, that´s it. If yis, aren´t quiet now, I'll make sure none of yis will get any expenses for the next fortnight!
(immediate and sullen silence)
Speaker: Thank you. Now, before we go any further, I´d like to remind you all that the swear box has been installed, so be careful with the language, ok? Anyhow, its Friday afternon which means that its time for the weekly Pirivate Member´s Bill.
(groans)
Catriona Ruane: No way, Mr. Speaker! Them things bore the ti.......er......mammary glands aff me
Naomi Long: Ha! sure ye don´t have any, Sammy Wilson´s got bigger jugs than you!
(raucous laughter)
Mark Durkin: On a point of order Mr. Speaker, but isn't "jugs" a dirty and thus unparliamentary word?
Speaker: Yes it is Mark, well spotted. Ms. Long, put a fiver in the swear box right now and Durkin you can do the same for repeating it!
Mark Durkin: But, but.....
Speaker: Just do it Durkin and stap yer whinin' ye big woofter.
(much applause and exuberant singing of the following, to the tune of "The Campdown Ladies":
Slap it up ye stupid cunt, Durkin, Durkin
You look just like a stupid runt all the doo dah day
you wet the bed at night
and kack yer breeks by day
I thank my stars that I´m not you all the doo dah day)
Speaker: Order order! for the last time, order fucking order! And by the way, you shitehawks provoked me there, so I´m fucked if I'm puttin any cash in the swear box. Now, as I was sayin' it private member´s day, so Margaret Ritchie is going to say her bit, then we will vote and get back to the bar. Margaret's going to talk about sexism or something boring like that. Anyway, the floor's yours, love.
Ms. Ritchie: Thank you Mr. Speaker for helping to illustrate the problem of sexism which exists here. By calling me "love", you put your finger right on the nub or the crux of the point, to wit - sexism is rife in the north of Ireland....
Tom Elliott: On a point of order Mr. Speaker, thon silly bint said "the north or Ireland". Maybe she's forgot to take her pills or something, but its Northern Ireland!!!
Speaker: I hear ye Tom, but lets just humour the wee woman and it'll be over quicker.
Ms. Ritchie: As I was saying before that rude interruption by Mr. Elliott, sexism is rife in this part of the island of Ireland and particularly so at Stormont, so I would like to take this opportunity to.....
Speaker: (looking at watch) Great speech, love, well done. Thanks a lot for that. Any of ye got any comments?
Jim Allister: Ah sure do. Yes siree! Ah think that this here debate should have been broadened to address more general issues surrounding discrimination, such as that endured by black people like me!
Speaker: Jesus Jim, why do you do this? Every Friday afternoon ye get pished, watch an episode of Montel Williams and suddenly ye think yer a black fella from Louisiana, catch a fucking grip ye stupid ballix!
Jim Allister: I have a dream! (falls down in a heap, dribble pours down his chin)
Martina Anderson: I was in jail ye know, a wimmins' jail, the school of hard knocks!
Nellie McCauseland: There was a quer pair of diddies in page 3 today!
David Ford: Mr. Speaker, I have to say that I am very disappointed at the level of debate today, I am especially disappointed at the immature and distasteful comments made by some of the male members here. Our lady MLA's are a valuable contingient of the Assembly and we really should appreciate and value them more. To that end, I would like to propose that lady MLAs all take part in a wet t-shirt competition on St. Patricks Day in the Stormont Canteen!
Speaker: Fantastic idea, Davey!
Ms. Ritchie: WHAT????????
Speaker: Yes, super idea. Let's take a vote. But on a vital procedural point, the lady MLA´s will not be able to vote due to issues surrounding conflict of interest and whatnot.
Ms. Ritchie: Now just hold on there.......
Speaker: Look love, ye have had yer turn, keep the oul hormones under control, ok pet? So, all those in favour of having a Stormont wet t-shirt competition for female MLAs on Srt. Paddy's day say "YEEEOOOO" very loudly.
(very loud shouts of "yeeeooo")
Speaker: Motion carried, well done Margaret and since this was your debate, you get to go first with the bucket of icy water, ye girl ye! Oh, and on another point of order, woman MLAs refusing to take part will be in contempt of parliament and will therefore have to pay a very hefty fine and probably go to jail for ten years. That's the law. So shall we go back to the bar then?
(cheers and yells of "fuck, aye!)
Next week: Stormont debates homophobia and racism.
Iris & The Royal Wedding
I wasn't going to write anything about the Royal wedding so soon, but headline in today´s Belfast Telegraph was worth lamely commenting on: "From toyboy scandal to Royal wedding - will Iris Robinson attend Kate and William's big day?" According to this august organ:
"Iris Robinson could make her first public appearance since the toyboy scandal at the Royal wedding on April 29. DUP sources say it is a 50/50 bet whether the First Minister’s shamed wife will attend the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton at Westminster Abbey. The Office of First Minister and Deputy First Minister confirmed on Friday that Peter Robinson has an invitation to the wedding and is entitled to bring a “guest” with him. OFMDFM wouldn’t make any comment about whether the First Minister would be escorted to the wedding by his wife but speculation is rife within the DUP about who he will take to the Abbey."
It would be crude and cruel to make any jokes at Iris's expense, the poor woman has been through enough. Having said that, just imagine the tension when the vicar says to the congregation that individuals should speak now or forever remain silent if they know of any impediments to the proposed nuptial bliss. If Iris were there, poor Kate would be keeking herself in case the 'oul doll jumped up and yelled "I have bedded His Royal Highness, so I have!!!!!".
And then there's the reception. Imagine the fireworks of passion if Iris and Prince Harry were in the same room..... No doubt there are many other ridiculous scenarios which one could dream up involving Iris and the Royals, but to be honest, I just can't be bothered this evening. If you think of any, feel free to leave them in the comments, I haven't been having too many of those recently and I could do with something cheering to read.
Stormont Debates Sexism
Transcript from "The Official Report of the northern Ireland Assembly" (Hansard):
Speaker: Right you lot, Order order! Gerry Kelly, put thon flick knife away! Poots, leave Jim Allister alone, you know he doesn't like chinese burns!
(laughter, chants of "Jim´s a big, fat wanker")
Speaker: Order, order, order, order, order, order, order!!!!
(MLAs stomp feet, clap and sing "Jim´s a big, fat wanker" to the tune of Queen´s "We Will Rock You")
Speaker: Right, that´s it. If yis, aren´t quiet now, I'll make sure none of yis will get any expenses for the next fortnight!
(immediate and sullen silence)
Speaker: Thank you. Now, before we go any further, I´d like to remind you all that the swear box has been installed, so be careful with the language, ok? Anyhow, its Friday afternon which means that its time for the weekly Pirivate Member´s Bill.
(groans)
Catriona Ruane: No way, Mr. Speaker! Them things bore the ti.......er......mammary glands aff me
Naomi Long: Ha! sure ye don´t have any, Sammy Wilson´s got bigger jugs than you!
(raucous laughter)
Mark Durkin: On a point of order Mr. Speaker, but isn't "jugs" a dirty and thus unparliamentary word?
Speaker: Yes it is Mark, well spotted. Ms. Long, put a fiver in the swear box right now and Durkin you can do the same for repeating it!
Mark Durkin: But, but.....
Speaker: Just do it Durkin and stap yer whinin' ye big woofter.
(much applause and exuberant singing of the following, to the tune of "The Campdown Ladies":
Slap it up ye stupid cunt, Durkin, Durkin
You look just like a stupid runt all the doo dah day
you wet the bed at night
and kack yer breeks by day
I thank my stars that I´m not you all the doo dah day)
Speaker: Order order! for the last time, order fucking order! And by the way, you shitehawks provoked me there, so I´m fucked if I'm puttin any cash in the swear box. Now, as I was sayin' it private member´s day, so Margaret Ritchie is going to say her bit, then we will vote and get back to the bar. Margaret's going to talk about sexism or something boring like that. Anyway, the floor's yours, love.
Ms. Ritchie: Thank you Mr. Speaker for helping to illustrate the problem of sexism which exists here. By calling me "love", you put your finger right on the nub or the crux of the point, to wit - sexism is rife in the north of Ireland....
Tom Elliott: On a point of order Mr. Speaker, thon silly bint said "the north or Ireland". Maybe she's forgot to take her pills or something, but its Northern Ireland!!!
Speaker: I hear ye Tom, but lets just humour the wee woman and it'll be over quicker.
Ms. Ritchie: As I was saying before that rude interruption by Mr. Elliott, sexism is rife in this part of the island of Ireland and particularly so at Stormont, so I would like to take this opportunity to.....
Speaker: (looking at watch) Great speech, love, well done. Thanks a lot for that. Any of ye got any comments?
Jim Allister: Ah sure do. Yes siree! Ah think that this here debate should have been broadened to address more general issues surrounding discrimination, such as that endured by black people like me!
Speaker: Jesus Jim, why do you do this? Every Friday afternoon ye get pished, watch an episode of Montel Williams and suddenly ye think yer a black fella from Louisiana, catch a fucking grip ye stupid ballix!
Jim Allister: I have a dream! (falls down in a heap, dribble pours down his chin)
Martina Anderson: I was in jail ye know, a wimmins' jail, the school of hard knocks!
Nellie McCauseland: There was a quer pair of diddies in page 3 today!
David Ford: Mr. Speaker, I have to say that I am very disappointed at the level of debate today, I am especially disappointed at the immature and distasteful comments made by some of the male members here. Our lady MLA's are a valuable contingient of the Assembly and we really should appreciate and value them more. To that end, I would like to propose that lady MLAs all take part in a wet t-shirt competition on St. Patricks Day in the Stormont Canteen!
Speaker: Fantastic idea, Davey!
Ms. Ritchie: WHAT????????
Speaker: Yes, super idea. Let's take a vote. But on a vital procedural point, the lady MLA´s will not be able to vote due to issues surrounding conflict of interest and whatnot.
Ms. Ritchie: Now just hold on there.......
Speaker: Look love, ye have had yer turn, keep the oul hormones under control, ok pet? So, all those in favour of having a Stormont wet t-shirt competition for female MLAs on Srt. Paddy's day say "YEEEOOOO" very loudly.
(very loud shouts of "yeeeooo")
Speaker: Motion carried, well done Margaret and since this was your debate, you get to go first with the bucket of icy water, ye girl ye! Oh, and on another point of order, woman MLAs refusing to take part will be in contempt of parliament and will therefore have to pay a very hefty fine and probably go to jail for ten years. That's the law. So shall we go back to the bar then?
(cheers and yells of "fuck, aye!)
Next week: Stormont debates homophobia and racism.
Gadaffi's plea for help
One of Our well placed spies has intercepted a very interesting letter. We thought it best to share it with you:
From: Eternal President Col. Gadaffi, Golden Fig Leaf of the Desert and Friend of the Oasis Nymphs.
To: Gerry Adams
Bout ye, Gerry!
Long time no see, hope yer keepin' well. I'm a wee bit busy these days so if ye don't mind I'll get straight to the point.
Remember all them guns, ammo and semtex I sent ye in the 80's? Remember all thon cash I sent your way? Remember all the training I arranged for your comrades? Well wee man, its payback time so it is. I'm in a wee bit of a fix right now so I'm calling in a few favours and outstanding debts. So Gerry, its like this - I need you, Marty and as many of your lads as posible to get on the next plane to Tripoli. All you'll have to do when ye get here is to go out with some of may lads and shoot themuns that are protestin against me. Travel light, I'll provide the guns and body armour. I know I can count on ye, after all ye never had any qualms about killing civilians in the past, did ye?
Right, I'll love ye and leave ye now. Lookin' forward to seein' ye, so I am, It'll be just like the good old days!
All the best
Colonel Gadaffi
PS don't worry about thon Dail thing, I'll have ye back in time for polling day.
PPS NOBODY turns me down. Got that?
Irish Election: People of Ireland, you were warned.
In the past year, things have gone arse over tit in Ireland. And if the Irish people want their country to be doing continual arse over tit somersaults, then the best thing they can do is vote for Sinn Fein. Believe me, you don't want to be hearing "I told you so" from a Bavarian Orangeman of all people......
The Irish Election Results Explained
I don't know about you, but I'm still popping Prozac after all that excitement! Wasn't it a grand old campaign? I´m coming out in a cold sweat just thinking about it again! But amazing as it might sound, there are still some in the world who neither understand the global implications of this election nor see the point of caring about it. So in this post I'll try to educate them about the Dail 2011 elections in the form of a handy and succinct F.A.Q.
Was there an election in Ireland recently?
Yes.
Why was there an election in Ireland recently?
Because.
Who won?
Finny Gail. This is a political party whose main policy is to persuade Irish people to wear blue shirts.
Did they win outright or will there be a coalition?
Yes.
How did the rest of the political parties do?
All of them said they did well. Finny Fail actually did badly, but luckily they were able to blame their poor performance on lies spread by other parties, unfortunate circumstances, cheese and a big fat bloke who likes a drink.
Who will be the new Teashock?
Dame Edna Kenny, he will replace the big fat bloke who likes a drink
Who will be the new Tornishty?
We don't know.
What is a Tornishty?
The Minister for Airmiles and Looking Cute on American TV.
What are the immediate aims of the new government?
To hoke around the Department of Finance and find documents which will further incriminate Finny Fail in the eyes of the public, thus solidifying Finny Gail's position. This process will be a helpful prelude to blaming everything that happens in the next few years on Finny Fail, including mistakes made by Finny Gail.
What immediate steps will the new government take regarding the economic situation?
See above answer
How will the new government deal with its European partners in order to move the economy forward?
Finny Gail will indulge in much impotent foot-stomping, whining, playing the innocent victim and if necessary it will be sullen, threaten blackmail and behave in a selfish and xenophobic manner. The Brits will get a bashing too, no doubt.
Will that work?
No. Imagine a blind, lame Jimmy Krankie getting into the ring to face a tag team consisting of Mike Tyson, Cassius Clay and George Foreman. That'll be the situation in the negotiating room.
What does this all mean for ordinary Irish people?
Sadly, it means that they will pay more taxes from smaller pay packets. Public services will be poorer and everything in the shops will become more expensive. Many young people will emigrate.
And what about non-ordinary people like politicians, bankers, the rich and the corrupt?
It will be business as usual for them. Even bad times are good times for the rich and the corrupt.
Will things get better?
Yes, for that is the nature of things. But before that, it will get worse.
Would things turn out any better for the people if the result had been different?
No.
Thank you, that was most informative
You are welcome.
Erm.... hey buddy, can you spare me a dime?
No.
Iris & The Royal Wedding
I wasn't going to write anything about the Royal wedding so soon, but a certain headline in The Belfast Telegraph today: "From toyboy scandal to Royal wedding - will Iris Robinson attend Kate and William's big day?" According to this august organ:
"Iris Robinson could make her first public appearance since the toyboy scandal at the Royal wedding on April 29. DUP sources say it is a 50/50 bet whether the First Minister’s shamed wife will attend the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton at Westminster Abbey. The Office of First Minister and Deputy First Minister confirmed on Friday that Peter Robinson has an invitation to the wedding and is entitled to bring a “guest” with him. OFMDFM wouldn’t make any comment about whether the First Minister would be escorted to the wedding by his wife but speculation is rife within the DUP about who he will take to the Abbey."
It would be crude and cruel to make any jokes at Iris's expense, the poor woman has been through enough. Having said that, just imagine the tension when the vicar says to the congregation that individuals should speak now or forever remain silent if they know of any impediments to the proposed nuptial bliss. If Iris were there, poor Kate would be keeking herself in case the 'oul doll jumped up and yelled "I have bedded His Royal Highness, so I have!!!!!".
And then there's the reception. Imagine the fireworks of passion if Iris and Prince Harry were in the same room..... No doubt there are many other ridiculous scenarios which one could dream up involving Iris and the Royals, but to be honest, I just can't be bothered this evening. If you think of any, feel free to leave them in the comments, I haven't been having too many of those recently and I could do with something cheering to read.
The Irish Election Results Explained
I don't know about you, but I'm still popping Prozac after all that excitement! Wasn't it a grand old campaign? I´m coming out in a cold sweat just thinking about it again! But however incredible it might sound, there are still some in the world who neither understand the global implications of this elections nor see the point of caring about it. So in this post I'll try to educate them about the Dail 2011 elections in the form of a handy and succinct F.A.Q.
Was there an election in Ireland recently?
Yes.
Why was there an election in Ireland recently?
Because.
Who won?
Finny Gail. This is a political party whose main policy is to persuade Irish people to wear blue shirts.
Did they win outright or will there be a coalition?
Yes.
How did the rest of the political parties do?
All of them said they did well. Finny Fail actually did badly, but luckily they were able to blame their poor performance on lies spread by other parties, unfortunate circumstances, cheese and a big fat bloke who likes a drink.
Who will be the new Teashock?
Dame Edna Kenny, he will replace the big fat bloke who likes a drink
Who will be the new Tornishty?
We don't know.
What is a Tornishty?
The Minister for Airmiles and Looking Cute on American TV.
What are the immediate aims of the new government?
To hoke around the Department of Finance and find documents which will further incriminate Finny Fail in the eyes of the public, thus solidifying Finny Gail's position. This process will be a helpful prelude to blaming everything that happens in the next few years on Finny Fail, including mistakes made by Finny Gail.
What immediate steps will the new government take regarding the economic situation?
See above answer
How will the new government deal with its European partners in order to move the economy forward?
Finny Gail will indulge in much impotent foot-stomping, whining, playing the innocent victim and if necessary it will be sullen, threaten blackmail and behave in a selfish and xenophobic manner. The Brits will get a bashing too, no doubt.
Will that work?
No. Imagine a blind, lame Jimmy Krankie getting into the ring to face a tag team consisting of Mike Tyson, Cassius Clay and George Foreman. That'll be the situation in the negotiating room.
What does this all mean for ordinary Irish people?
Sadly, it means that they will pay more taxes from smaller pay packets. Public services will be poorer and everything in the shops will become more expensive. Many young people will emigrate.
And what about non-ordinary people like politicians, bankers, the rich and the corrupt?
It will be business as usual for them. Even bad times are good times for the rich and the corrupt.
Will things get better?
Yes, for that is the nature of things. But before that, it will get worse.
Thank you, that was most informative
You are welcome.
Erm.... hey buddy, can you spare me a dime?
No.
Gerry Adams' Stormont Leaving Do
One of my reliable Stormont sources did the decent thing and leaked this highly sensitive memo to me the other day. I feel it is my duty to share it with you....
To: All MLAs
From: Sammy Wilson MLA, MP, Finance Minister and Stormont Entertainments Officer
Re: Gerry’s Leaving Do
Dear All,
As you know, Gerry Adams resigned his Assembly seat in December and although we wanted to have a wee party for him back then, there was some “debate” about what parting gift to give him. Initial suggestions ranged from “the titles deeds to the occupied 6 counties” to “a surface-to-surface, Gerry-seeking missile” - none really seemed appropriate. Happily this issue has been resolved and now instead of receiving one big present, Gerry will be getting several smaller ones. But this memo is more than about presents for Gerry, its also about his leaving do. Believe me, I’d much rather have been organising his wake, but I suppose the main thing is that he’s leaving us. Ireland’s bankruptcy is Gerry’s opportunity and all that. Anyway, the arrangements have all been made and the session’s agenda is below. By the way, be sure to line your stomach with a pint of milk or something beforehand. We don’t want another vomit-flecked rout, now do we?
18:00 We all hide in the Stormont canteen and turn the lights out. Naomi Long will lure Gerry to the canteen with the promise of a cup of tea and a biccy. As soon as he comes in, the rest of us will turn the lights on and yell “No Surrender!!!”. As this is happening, Martin will pounce on him and stage a mock execution for a wee laugh. We all know how Gerry loves his practical jokes!
18:01 Drinking begins
18:30 Speeches.
18:31 The TUV Stormont Canteen Band Parade. Sorry folks, but I could do nothing about this. Big Jim swore he would have a stand-off if we refused, he says its traditional for him to have a band parade through the canteen every time Gerry quits Stormont. The big dope.
19:00 More drink and presentation of gifts to Gerry, as follows:
DUP Willie McCrea’s new rap CD “Rev. Superbad is Back! (Like a Sex Machine, huh, good God, hit me!)”
SDLP A voucher for a haircut at John Hume’s barber
TUV A big, fat nothing
UCUNF A book entitled “How till spake Gaylick prapir” by some groovy and progressive young Ulster Unionist who thinks its "kewl" to learn the official language of Mordor.
Sinn Fein A special Gerry Adams edition of Monopoly. Every other square is the Northern Bank and the rest all say “Go to the Northern Bank and collect £25 million”. The package also comes with a “get out of jail and into government free” card. There’s also a “get your brother out of jail free card” which may or may not come in handy.....
Alliance A solar-powered model of Mahatma Gandhi which plays “Kumbayah” when slapped.
19:30 Disco time! MC Sammy “Rock the Mike” Wilson will be spinnin’ discs and pumpin’ up the volume with all the best hits from the 70’s and 80’s. Be sure to come and see me in the DJ’s booth if you have any requests or if you need any hard drugs!
22:00 The pole-dancing stripper arrives (thanks again, Martina!)
22:30 The pole-dancing stripper will try to escape the room (Good luck, Martina!)
22:45 MC Sammy is back with a half hour of slow n’ easy tunes for lovers who want to smooch and grapple on the dance floor. Try to keep it clean this year and yes, I'm talking about you, David Ford!
N.B. As a result of complaints arising from our last disco, Nellie “The Elephant Man” McCauseland will be placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the stripper’s act and slow songs.
23:15 to 02:00 The Domino's pizza and Buckfast buffet will open at 23:15, the bar will remain open until 02:00 and I’ll make sure to keep the vibes funky!
02:00 Fighting, vomiting, taxi’s home and into (your own) bed. Try to keep it in that order this time, eh folks?
By the way, take my advice, always book taxis under a false name. This way, if you get a lift from a mate you can abandon the taxi driver without having your name dragged through the mud and if you don’t get a free ride home you still have a taxi to get you there. Genius, eh?
Well, I hope to see you all there. I’m very much looking forward to another of our wee bacchanals. We don’t have enough of them, do we? Perhaps we should make them a monthly affair - let’s talk about that during our next cross-party “peace and reconciliation fact finding mission” to the Bordeaux region, OK?
All the Best
Sammy
