Surely it must be a cruel joke. Surely some silly adolescent at No10 has embarked on a foolish frolic of his own. Surely David Cameron is not going to back Peter Mandelson to run the World Trade Organisation?

Has the world gone mad? Am I in some drug induced trance? Was the Matrix right all along? Does Elvis live in a bungalow in Frinton?

I am beginning to wonder.

Of the fifty seven million people who inhabit our beautiful isles is there not someone, anyone, better placed to recommend than Mandelson? Yes, he’s clever, yes, he was a good minister, but (how can I put this politely?) he is a grade A, copper bottomed, shit. A man fuelled by poison, malice and revenge. A man who turned New Labour into a graveyard of those who stood in his way.  

So if this nonsense is true. Why? What’s in it for Cameron? What’s in it for the coalition?

Over the last few months I have written a number of pieces about how Mandelson has been trying to slime his way into Cameron’s affections. It started in opposition with him slipping Osborne high grade and toxic gossip about Brown in Corfu. But clearly we have all had our eyes off the ball. The bloody man has been operating at Creeping Mach One without us noticing.

Has he been secretly dishing the dirt on MiliEd for snubbing him and suggesting he enjoys retirement? Is Cameron worried that he might bring the kiss of life to his flatlining Labour party?  The former is possible as he always eats his own. The latter, just a pipe dream.

I honestly haven’t got a clue.

But to bring Mandelson back from the political dead like some grisly scene from Pet Cemetery would be an act of insanity. Firstly, brand Mandy isn’t exactly fresh, shiny and new. It is as ripe and gamey as pheasant that has been hanging by its legs for six months but more poisonous. Secondly, you sup with this guy with a very long spoon. He turned on Blair, Campbell, Brown and anyone else who has caused him displeasure.

And when the time comes, when it suits his purpose and particularly if the coalition looks wounded, he will be dripping poison about Cameron into whoever’s ear that can help him. It’s his nature.

I really do hope that this is all a bit of a ruse to destabilise Labour. But experience teaches us that government strategists are not as bloody clever as they think they are. This is the sort of stuff that political time bombs are made of.

And it will be a very dirty bomb, with toxic fallout spreading far and wide.

I really do hope this is all political piss and wind or a clever plot that even my cynical mind hasn’t fathomed.

However, I have a horrible sinking feeling that the seeds of a serious cock up might have been sown.

Batten down the hatches. It’s going to get rough.
 

Tags: Coalition, David Cameron, Peter Mandelson, World trade organisation