When I read in yesterday’s Times that those on the swivel-eyed wing of the Conservative Party would cause Bedlam if the public voted for AV, my heart sank. But when I heard Eleanor Laing MP say that if that was on the back of a low turnout or delivered by the Celts, the result would be open to question, I began to hear the distant flapping of white coats.

As someone who has spent too much time reading the ravings of Liz Jones in The Mail on Sunday, I am well qualified in the art of psychoanalysis. One of the most common questions I get asked is, “Jerry, why are the Tory Right so ghastly?” And what a tricky one that is to answer.

Are they hell bent on self destruction? Is this all a sad cry for help? Should they not be put in secure accommodation for their own safety? Should they be allowed out after sunset? The answer to all these questions, save for the latter in the interests of public safety, is probably yes.

It is quite mystifying why the whole No to AV campaign has been so Munchian. It has just been one long tortured primal scream of noooooooooooooo! And a look of total bemused incomprehension at anyone who might just think it a concept worthy of sensible debate. Even the normally mild mannered George Osborne, of whom I am fond, gave an amazingly over the top interview to the Mail. It “stinks” he wailed, when he learned that the Electoral Reform Society stood to financially gain from selling ballot papers. Time for a lie down, dear.

The Electoral Reform Society in favour of electoral reform? How bizarre.

But the reason the Cameroons are getting a little hysterical is because the right are poking them with long pointy sticks and briefing their chums in the press with dire warnings about threats to the leadership and the forcing of an election. I’ll tell you this for nothing. Cameron won’t blink first. There will be screams and shouts if they lose. But that will be as far as it goes.

My advice to him is the same as I gave to him when he was first elected leader. “Don’t trust the right. They will never be happy unless they have absolute control. They take no prisoners”. Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Then I told him the story of how dear old George Gardiner, standard bearer of the right, dropped into No 10 for a chat with the newly installed prime minister, John Major. “John, congratulations. I am sure that if you do things our way you will have no difficulties”. To which the courtly reply was, “George, thank you so much for coming and giving me your good wishes. Now kindly fuck off.”

Oh, and before any readers chortle with an evil grin “and look what happened to Major”, I would remind them that he remained prime minister for seven years.

What I find so depressing about the whole AV debate is that it has been so ill tempered and unpleasant. And although the NOs have been pretty ghoulish, the YESes have not exactly covered themselves in glory.

So it’s whether we believe the assorted luvvies from the Yes camp or the assortment of freaky politicians, cricketers and the woman who was the first to hold a professional boxing licence on the No side. What I do find worrying is that if the NOs win it would seem to vindicate negative campaigning, which would be a new low in British politics

And if they lose? Oh, the recrimination, the tantrums, the judicial reviews. I’m not sure which would be worse.

Jerry Hayes was Conservative MP for Harlow between 1983 and 1997. He practises as a criminal barrister in London.

Tags: AV referendum, Tory right