'Margaret Thatcher' explains why she should be the next PM
The star of Margaret Thatcher Queen of Soho writes for TP ahead of her new show.
Now, poor old Theresa May didn't do very well in the general election after it turned out there were more wheat farmers in marginal constituencies than she thought! As a result, jam enthusiast and terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn stormed to victory by not losing as badly as everyone thought he would.
The Lib Dem leader Tim-Nice-But-Everyone-Sins got ousted as leader of the Liberal Democrats for his views on gay sex and the DUP are now the most powerful small party in Britain despite theirs.
But the big question thrown up by the election is: who will be the next Conservative Prime Minister now that Theresa May's shot herself right in the kitten heel? Well, dears, there's only possible answer, and I'm here with my top ten reasons why the next PM should be...ME!
1. Think about it, it makes perfect sense! Jeremy Corbyn has taken his party back to the 70s, why can't we go back there too? You bring the flared trousers and wide collars, I'll bring the Bee Gees records and a ruthless drive to crush the unions.
2. Unlike Theresa May, I've got an enormous media profile, thanks to being portrayed as the bad guy in literally every film set in the North of England for the last 30 years.
3. I'd win Legsit.
4. I'd never create a dementia tax. If for no other reason than it could come back to haunt me.
5. I'm still the only female party leader to actually win a general election, sorry Theresa (sorry not sorry).
6. Cutting free school lunches in favour of free school breakfasts is harmful, neglectful and cruel, and I am totally opposed to this policy. I'd cut both.
7. I wouldn't let the DUP drag us to the right. I'd do that myself.
8. I could get the youth vote back onside - they're too young to remember all the shit I got away with last time.
9. Unlike Tim Farron, I don't think being gay is a sin. Being a Liberal Democrat on the other hand...
10. Meryl Streep could make a sequel to the Iron Lady.
So there you have it, forget about Boris Johnson and David Davis, make me your next Conservative PM and together we can make Britain stronger and more stable than a body builder on anti psychotic medication! But now I've got to go. Those fields of wheat aren't going to run through themselves, so goodbye dears and remember - Vote Maggie.
Catch Margaret Thatcher Queen of Game Shows at the Underbelly Festival Southbank, London from 28th June – 2nd July and the Edinburgh Festival Fringe from 3rd –27th August.